March 25, 2015

The wall is up, but I'm ready for it to come down.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday and I spoke words out loud I hadn't really shared before. Part of the reason I am not writing here is because I find myself guarding my words and thoughts more than ever. It was once said to me, "Write nothing down that can be used against you." Friends, it can all be used against you.

And so I am quiet right now.

You see, I say "friends" but I also know others read here. Those looking for fault, blame, and accusation. Those looking for weak links, wrong words, bad spelling. People who are waiting for me to say something they can use against me.

They may not even know they do it. But they do. They have. And so everything is locked up tight and I am quiet. The matters of my heart, and mind, and soul stay silent and I share only that which is safe: ways to help people and crochet patterns.

Oh, this time has been about release, right? Didn't I say that a while back? Yes, I just looked. I did. I was redefining myself. Releasing what others thought. Digging deep into what God said. And that has certainly been going on, but I'm pretty sure it will for the rest of my life to different degrees. And my words are starting to write in my head again. But on this page I still feel the wall. I still feel guarded.

So, how do I get the word back on the page? How do I write hard stuff, easy stuff, experiences, vulnerability, and anything really when I feel someone constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for me to give them more ammunition?

I'm sort of hoping just by saying this I  might unblock the dam. I doubt the words will come pouring through, but maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get some drafts going with a future publish date waiting to happen.

How do you write anyway?

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March 18, 2015

Squints

I first saw Melody of BGC wearing a hat like this in one of her videos of The Walk class. Not exactly, of course, because it was knit. But I loved the way it looked, which was comfy and squishy. I saw a few similar knit ones on Pinterest, and decided it was time for a crochet one. It took me a bit to get the right look, I have another hat in the other room that didn't quite go where this one did as proof. But once I remembered the extended single crochet stitch (link to video if it's new to you) I knew it would work. I'm thrilled with the result and I hope you are as well!

007 008
005 004


Used a G hook and yarn from my stash.

exsc : extended single crochet : Insert hook in indicated stitch, yo, pull up loop, yo, pull through 1 loop on hook, yo, pull through 2 loops on hook.

fpsc : front post single crochet
sc : single crochet
tc : turning chain

Chain 2.
Row 1: in second chain from hook, exsc 12 times, join with first exsc (12 stitches)
Row 2: chain 2, 2 exsc in each stitch, join wtih first exsc (24 stitches)
Row 3: chain 2, * exsc, 2 exsc, repeat from * around, join with first exsc (36 stitches)
Row 4: chain 2, exsc around, join with first exsc (36 stitches)
Row 5: chain 2, * exsc, exsc, 2 exsc, repeat from * around, join with first exsc (48 stitches)
Row 6: chain 2, * exsc, exsc, exsc, 2 exsc, repeat from * around, join with first exsc (60 stitches)
Row 7: chain 2, * exsc, exsc, exsc, exsc, 2 exsc, repeat from * around, join with first exsc (72 stitches)
Row  8: chain 2, exsc around, join with first exsc (72 stitches)
Rows 9-11: chain 1, * fpsc, sc, repeat from * around, join in tc (73 stitches now counting tc)
Rows 12-15: chain 2, exsc around, join with tc
Rows 16-18: chain 1, * fpsc, sc, repeat from * around, join in tc
Rows 19-22: chain 2, exsc around, join with tc
Rows 23-25: chain 1, * fpsc, sc, repeat from * around, join in tc
Rows 26-29: chain 2, exsc around, join with tc
Rows 30-33: chain 1, * fpsc, sc, repeat from * around, join in tc
Row 34: chain 1, sc around, join in first sc


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March 16, 2015

Flapper

Simply put, I wanted some hats that weren't extremely warm so that on bad hair days I would have more of a choice than just baseball hats. I wasn't sure where I was going when I started this one, I simply knew I had a small amount of yarn out of my stash I wanted to play around with. I really do love the way this came out. I hope you do too!

009 011
013 020

G hook
Used Lion Brand Heartland

This hat is worked inside out.

chain 2
Row 1: in second chain from hook dc 11 times (11 stitches)
Row 2: chain 2, in each stitch across place 2 dc, join to first dc (22 stitches)
Row 3: chain 2, *dc, 2 dc in next stitch, repeat from * around, join to first dc (33 stitches)
Row 4: chain 2, *dc, dc, 2 dc in next stitch, repeat from * around, join to first dc (44 stitches)
Row 5: chain 2, *dc, dc, dc, 2 dc in next stitch, repeat from * around, join to first dc (55 stitches)
Row 6: chain 2, *dc, dc, dc, dc, 2 dc in next stitch, repeat from * around, join to first dc (66 stitches)
Rows 7 - 16: chain 2, dc around, join to first dc (66 stitches)
Rows 17 - 20: chain 2, (in separate stitches) 2 hdc, 30 sc, 2 hdc, 32 dc, join to first hdc (66 stitches)
Rows 21 - 22: chain 2, sc around, join to first sc (66 stitches)

Turn hat inside out. Fold the flap up and sew button to hold it in place.

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March 13, 2015

Wandering aisles

So, lately when I have some time to kill, no where to be, and just want to be out for a bit I head to Target. Sometimes I get some coffee from their Starbucks, sometimes I don't. I almost never buy anything, much to Captain's joy. But I wander the aisles, looking at what's for sale, the prices of different items, and I also remember.

Today this is what I saw for sale.
anniversary

How did that happen? The 20th Anniversary? The 25th Anniversary? We watched these movies with the boys over and over. A friend recorded Sandlot, back when we all used VCR's, and it wasn't until we finally upgraded to DVD that we realized how much the televised version didn't include. Both movies were regulars in our days. Not like Three Amigos, or Top Gun, but we owned them and we watched them. A lot. I'm a little stunned that they are that old.

Don't get me wrong. I KNOW they are that old, but it's the celebrating of the anniversary that makes me look at it all again and wonder where the time has gone. Not that any of us would go back. Not that I'm not loving my life as is, and enjoying the boys on their own paths. No, we are all as we should be: older, wiser, and moving along. But how did my oldest get so old? And how is my youngest on his own? .

This picture was taken a week or so before oldest moved out. I still can't move past the toy section without smiling. What made me laugh out loud today was the idea of making them redo the picture when they are a little older. Not sure they would go for it, but you never know.

memory

I'm grateful for my memories, the time to ponder them, and all of us being right where we are now. I'm proud of who they are and are becoming. Each time of our lives comes with good days and bad days. I remember the good days. I remember the lessons from the bad days. And I celebrate where we all are now. Moving forward in our own journeys, celebrating each other, and cheering each other on.

Yes, those movies are old now. I'll always be older. (heh) And the boys will always be my boys. But they are two good men these days.

And that's why I go to Target and wander the aisles.

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March 4, 2015

Shadows of the past, ghosts of the future

I've not written in a while here at the old blog. To be honest, I'm at a loss as what to share. What to write. I'm pressuring myself, I know that. Different things are keeping me quiet, but the words don't seem free right now.

I've been working on some crochet patterns. I came up with one REALLY cute hat, and another one which needs just a BIT of tweaking. I have a summer cowl in the works as well, and I think I found just the right one for the gorgeous yarn I'm using. Those will be shared when I write them up. But what's really aching is my heart.

My heart has been working through this Lenten season to redefine myself. Release old things, deepen good things. It's not much fun sometimes though. I mean, that mirror that shows you who you are at times? Because, honestly none of us are that way all the time. But it affects us, doesn't it, those moments. Moments of jealousy, anger, hurt, frustration, insecurity .... yeah. I know I have chosen badly at times. Not out of not knowing better; simply what I chose. Not fun to face, but I'm learning to breathe better anyway. And maybe do better.

My son sent me a song last night. In the middle of the night, don't those kids sleep? But it was "You're gonna miss this." There's a lot I miss, and shadows sometimes seem to overwhelm me. But, like I told him, I think the goal of the song is to remember that EACH season in life has something we will miss, but that means each season in life is special in it's own way.

I guess as I'm readjusting and changing I don't know what words should be spoken, if any. And so for a little bit, until the words flow truer and clearer, I need to step away for a bit.

Thanks for your kindness.

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