I sit drinking my coffee looking out the window at the gray world. There is a moment where the sunrise has started on the other side of the house so everything is lighter, but the colors haven't quite reached this part of the sky yet. This moment is gray. Is there a moment like this in summer or is it just winter when this happens? It doesn't take long for it to pass. In fact, before I can grab my camera and run out back into the chilled air the pink has already begun to creep in and the gray has been swept off the plants.
I was thinking about my life, as many of us tend to do, and I found it interesting that sometimes I can't consider where I am without comparing it to where others are. Do you know what I mean? Even comparing now to then happens regularly as well. Maybe that's because adjectives are subjective, so I have a simple life compared to some, I have a busy life compared to some, I have a quiet life compared to some, or compared to what it once was.
I think it is these comparisons which cause turmoil. I think it is these comparisons which steal stories which need to be heard. I think it is these comparisons which make people feel they aren't enough, are less than, or are just too much for others.
And the truth is, we are simply what we are.
I am who I am. You can see who I am in relation to others in my about me page, but I am who I am. Isn't that true of all of us? And there is a balance of acceptance, judgement, grace, and mercy because I am still striving to be who God created me to be. But thankfully, He accepts me as I am, and walks beside me.
Too often once we have decided, for whatever reason, that our story is not good enough to be shared we might question whether it's good enough to be lived. Should we try to make a life that is worthy of being shared out loud instead? Worthy defined by who? And there are lives which would be described in such a way by many. But I have learned, the out loud lives are not free of hardship, pain, or hurt. And those who live quietly are not free of joy, love, and laughter. We all share those things in common, don't we?
You are who you are. Maybe the question isn't in defining yourself to others so much, or having another person define you, as it is in you simply knowing who you are.
I am who I am. I do better with early mornings, but it's hard to leave the bed. I enjoy being at the gym, but it's hard to leave my house. I get overwhelmed when I have to be "on" for a long time, but sometimes too much quiet isn't good for me either. I'm a mix, a mess, a multitude of things. But when I know who I am, the judgement I would normally place on myself falls away.
And sometimes I have no idea who I am, and that's when I rely on the true I am to define me, and I remember that I am always His child, no matter what else is unknown.
The sun has fully risen and light fills the world. The sky is blue, the grass is beige, and the fence is still gray. And my coffee cup needs to be refilled.