The skies have been overcast and cloudier than I expected this past week. The sun actually peeked out for a bit before setting yesterday, but I have missed its brightness. I have missed its warm glow.
The past few weeks have been hard. I found myself with a new normal, more quiet, and everything felt bigger, louder, harsher. Any words I might have had weren't to be shared or digested by anyone but myself. I played with yarn, watched movies, and stayed physical. Going to the gym and running the roads seemed to be moments where the emotions and thoughts were kept at a distance. Watching others stories allowed me to step out of mine for a bit. Playing with yarn is simply cathartic.
Not that my life is hard. Oh, please, no. I am very blessed, some would say privileged, and I am aware how good my life is. But that doesn't mean things don't go bump in the night, or spin you in a circle too quickly. That doesn't mean you wont be overwhelmed at times, or want to hide from the world.
And that's where I've been.
But, with a deep breath sigh of relief, I can feel the tendrils loosening which once held me so tightly.
Sometimes something you know is going to happen happens, and instead of taking it in stride and accepting life as it is you get pulled under by the water. I fought for normal. I fought to be fine. I called myself all sorts of crazy names questioning my sanity. And then I sat on the floor and cried like a baby when another famous person died. Someone I didn't know at all. Someone I wasn't connected to though I loved their art.
And something allowed me to come back to the surface. To realize where I truly was, and to see life as it really is. Hard days come, and easy days flow. A day with no turmoil can still carry spinning waves underneath. And a day full of strife can have peace at it's foundation.
I'm learning to hold on to the foundational truths I know. I'm allowing peace and joy to be a quiet presence in my heart. I'm releasing some things, too. I'm working hard to learn what I need to learn, and to flow with each day.
But, oh, if the sun would come out from behind the gray clouds a little more often my soul would be so appreciative.