For too long I have looked at everything I do as something which needs to be transferred to someone else. For too long I have viewed myself as only a conduit to others. For too long I have thought it wasn't about me, but rather I needed to take it to everyone else. Everything.
And then I started waking up. I wasn't able to get my camera out quickly enough to share whatever I saw, so it must have been just for me. I would say this in jest and a bit of a laughter, and with a tad bit of bitterness, I think. If I couldn't share something was it worth anything?
Then I started faltering. The words wouldn't come. I would word vomit to poor unsuspecting people nearby, but I would write and delete and write and delete everywhere else. I wasn't able to find the words to share my heart, experiences, and what I had been taught. And I was frustrated a lot. Why was I not able to share everything?
I don't pretend to have this down fully. Where are all the lines, and does it matter? Is it as simple as a camera out of reach and words that don't come? Or it is more of me learning a matter of the heart fully, and then it will all come back? Or maybe it's simply day by day experiences.
God is for me, this I know. But I'm also learning He has lessons just for me to learn, experience, and take in. He has ideas which will change my heart, but not anyone else's. He has moments for me to live through, take in, and become a part of me which may never have any impact on anyone else.
I should be a conduit of God's love. I know that. But what I'm starting to think is there are some things which happen in life which will simply reside within me for the rest of my life. Some things which will change who I am, my walk, my direction. Some things which bring me peace, joy, and contentment. Not for me to teach others, but for me to have the results of those moments just for me.
I'm still a teacher by heart. I thought everything needed to be shared and used for the betterment of everyone else or it would go to waste. But maybe I'm the student who simply needs to learn, take it in, and allow it to change me. Maybe I need to receive sometimes and not be so worried about trying to explain why I am doing something. Maybe it's okay if the why has nothing to do with anyone else.
When I try to take myself out of the equation and simply be a conduit, I think I miss out on even more that I should have received. I think I lose the ability to actually be in the moment. I miss out on even more that I could have taught.
Maybe it has nothing to do with whether something should or should not be shared with others. Maybe it has more to do with me in the moment and how I take it in.
Maybe it has WAY more to do with my selfish pride.
And then suddenly there is a shift in the way you think, see things, live life.