There's something going on under the surface. The desire to wipe the slate clean is strong. The desire to start again fresh. But I am not sure how to go about either yet. I only know that something is going to be needed to be done about this, because the air of expectation can only last so long before one explodes.
Have you ever felt the air of expectation even when you didn't know what would come of it? Have you felt the need to do something even when you didn't know what to do?
We become new creations and leave our old ways behind, but to what extent? To what degree?
The end of the path we take isn't clear. We may have a gut feeling of which way to turn, but sometimes it's hard to turn away from what you've known. Do habits die hard? Do paths turn course? Do you leave behind everything, or simply what hinders and holds you back?
And how do you know what is doing that?
I don't always have the answers to my own questions, but I'm learning to ask them anyway. When I do I sometimes find the answer, sometimes it finds me, and sometimes I simply took another step and I'm still waiting to see what happens.
I truly do feel as if I am expecting something to happen soon. Actually, something crossed my path just the other day and I have decided to follow that course and see how it helps. But I'm not sure about other choices. Some silly, some serious.
And when I try to really look at them they seem so superfluous and I have to look away before I'm too shamed. How could I let something so little grow to seem so huge when there are real issues in this world?
Silliness. It does grab a hold.
Pride. It can swallow you whole.
And sometimes as sure as I am about making a decision one day, the next day I'm just as uncertain. And I can't figure out the whys or wherefores.
This is where I simply have to trust that God is helping me out. I may be taking steps haltingly, or turning around in circles, but He has to be helping me out or I am lost. Simply lost.
And maybe, remembering the above will help me make decisions and move forward easier.