The wall is up, but I'm ready for it to come down.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday and I spoke words out loud I hadn't really shared before. Part of the reason I am not writing here is because I find myself guarding my words and thoughts more than ever. It was once said to me, "Write nothing down that can be used against you." Friends, it can all be used against you.

And so I am quiet right now.

You see, I say "friends" but I also know others read here. Those looking for fault, blame, and accusation. Those looking for weak links, wrong words, bad spelling. People who are waiting for me to say something they can use against me.

They may not even know they do it. But they do. They have. And so everything is locked up tight and I am quiet. The matters of my heart, and mind, and soul stay silent and I share only that which is safe: ways to help people and crochet patterns.

Oh, this time has been about release, right? Didn't I say that a while back? Yes, I just looked. I did. I was redefining myself. Releasing what others thought. Digging deep into what God said. And that has certainly been going on, but I'm pretty sure it will for the rest of my life to different degrees. And my words are starting to write in my head again. But on this page I still feel the wall. I still feel guarded.

So, how do I get the word back on the page? How do I write hard stuff, easy stuff, experiences, vulnerability, and anything really when I feel someone constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for me to give them more ammunition?

I'm sort of hoping just by saying this I  might unblock the dam. I doubt the words will come pouring through, but maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get some drafts going with a future publish date waiting to happen.

How do you write anyway?

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Comments

  1. I think that we are not meant to be locked up so tightly... that words and thoughts and even struggles are placed in our hearts for a reason. And for those of us who write and use spaces like this... much of the time, writing them IS the reason.

    And yet locked up so tight happens. Old pains, experiences.... times we've written the words and then had to pay for them.. so we learn to lock up. But to learn to UNlock is very difficult... it takes trust and courage and resolve. It takes vulnerability and risk. And I think it sometimes takes a decision that what they throw at you doesn't get to matter more than what needs to be said and shared.

    But that is risky and hard.... and perhaps will always be so.

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    1. It is hard sometimes. Sometimes I make it harder than it really is. My nature. I want to believe it's important to move forward and to start putting words down again, even if only for me. Thanks for the note. <3

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