February 27, 2014

Write to remember.

write 

There are moments in time. Memories of days. If I forgot it all what would I want to be reminded of?

the love, the laughter, the eyes, the smiles

What about the pain and sorrow? At first glance, no.

But without that how do you explain the redemption, reconciliation, and love which grew all involved closer? The moments of quiet help me see and love the loud raucous noise, and vice versa. Every moment has a value if we are willing to see it.

Write what should not be forgotten? What doesn't fall into that category?

Please. Remind me of my anger and when I lost control. I need to know I have been there to have grace for those who are. I need to be reminded how easy it would be to go there again.

Please. Remind me of when I didn't know what love really was. It helps me appreciate the love I have now when I grow tired.

Don't let me forget about colicky days, terrible twos, anger, fights, failures, and messes. Don't let me forget because I need to be reminded of how far we've come. That's where the hope is. That's where tomorrow lies. That's where "what is" can turn into "what will become."

Remind me of when fear ruled my heart and mind so that I can remember how it is fought.
Remind me of when love lost its luster so that I can show how it can be renewed.

Write what should not be forgotten. The highs, the lows, the goings, the comings -- all of it. For it all brings a measure of understanding which makes the rest more cherished.


This post came from a word prompt during a write-in with The Story Sessions There is a Twitter party tonight from 7p-9p CST, using the hashtag #jointhestory to learn more about this group of women.

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February 25, 2014

She Flew

She knew
She saw
She tried
She jumped
She landed
She fell
She breathed
She returned
She bled
She cried
She hid
She lied
She wanted
She waited
She stopped
She turned
She stepped
She walked
She ran
She jumped
She flew

she flew


This post came from a word prompt during a write-in with The Story Sessions. We had half an hour and this was my third response. It was the quietest but also my favorite, so I'm sharing it today.

If you’re curious to find out more about The Story Sessions, they’re having a Twitter party this Thursday, February 27th, from 7p-9p CST, using the hashtag #jointhestory. Please join in!

I would love for you to join the conversation through 
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February 24, 2014

Daze.

It's not my last name, did you know? I'm sure many out there do, but have you ever wondered where it came from? My website was once Stacey's Daze, but I took the possession out of it.

I have this idea. Life isn't a straight line or even a flat surface. Oh sure, sometimes I would love to become the cartographer of my heart and show you where everything lies and where the river and valley meet. I think it would be beautiful. An amazing piece of art. But I haven't found my life to follow such rules of latitude and longitude.

My life has been much more an example of concentric circles. Lessons circling around to be learned anew at different levels, heart bleeding out and love pouring in from different areas which are all the same, a day which sends you spinning because you are sure you have been here before. It has the ability to put me in a bit of a daze if I forget this is how it is.

circles

And there you have it.

I learn something again, and apologize for relearning. I feel something again, and keep it inside because I know I have shared it too often. I see what I want, but before I can get there the circle has spun and I have forgotten what I wanted after all.

Don't worry, it will return.

Today has been overcast outside and within. But I have been here before, and each time I learn something new. Recently it was that if I didn't beat myself up for being here, but rather loved myself through it accepting that this happens time and time again, then I move through it easier. It becomes more of a floating in the water, rather than cursing the tide.

So as I wait for words to form so that I have something to share with your heart, remember this:

This is just a day. One ordinary amazing down-in-the-dumps flying-high-in-the-sky day. And just as the sun will set on it and rise anew, so you will move through it and start over soon. Don't let it spin you round. Just breathe, and remember that this is how life is. One layer at a time through the daze.


February 22, 2014

What it all comes down to...

I get tired. 
I grow frustrated some days.

Don't get me wrong...
I do belong.
My heart is fully ensconced in places.
And those people
that space?
They are cherished
sacred.

But there are days I see
where I don't belong as well.
And I grow tired.
I get a little sad
when I realize
my place with you
is gone.

Is it selfishness which cries out
for the attention of one who can't see?
Is it foolishness?

Believe me...
I wish I would just get over it, too.

But maybe what it all comes down to
is that I miss you.

And I'm glad you are well.
Or
I hope you are.


missing

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February 19, 2014

Give 100%.

These children, their families, their lives... I can't really fathom what they are like. I try to understand, and my heart breaks for the little I do comprehend. The truth is pictures, stories, and even visiting only gives us a fraction of understanding. But that understanding we are allowed, with the prayers we can send up, and the help we can send through Gospel for Asia makes a difference.

Did you know that out of the $35 you send to sponsor a child through Gospel for Asia's Bridge of Hope, 100% goes to the mission field?


This child is looking forward to a future. Because someone cared enough to put her in a Bridge of Hope center, she now has a bright future and a hope! Be encouraged at the thought of over 60,000 children being helped through Bridge of Hope as of this last year!

Find out more about Gospel for Asia’s Bridge of Hope Children’s Outreach.



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February 18, 2014

I hear him.

I hear him in the other room. He's playing x-box and talking with his brother, whom I can't hear. The headphones and technology of the internet are awesome, amazing, and I will ever be grateful for them.

I hear him in the other room talking, laughing, insulting, carrying on. The sound is music and makes me smile.

I hear him in the other room, as the rest of the house is quietly resting. I hear the planes over head, the wind chimes out back, the wind through the trees and pushing on the house.

time
I hear him in the other room, and I know the time is short. Just like the first time, I know this is supposed to happen at this time.

I was made for such a time, and such a time was made to break me. These changes come, as they are supposed to, like clock work. Life continues on. Boys grow up and become men.

I hear him in the other room and look forward to the day in a few months when my house shall be full, and I will hear all the voices, all the laughter, all the insults, all the talking, and I will feel all the feelings.

And I wonder if there is a way to bottle it, so that I can take it out and hold it again.

I will always be grateful for the choices we made as a family.
I will always be thankful for the relationships which have come out of this nucleus.
I will always know that we did the best we could, and I am ever so grateful for the memories which will always call them home.

I hear him in the other room.
I am grateful.

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February 13, 2014

Learning and applying

Have you ever noticed there is a time lapse between learning something and applying it? When you first gain new information it's at the forefront of your thoughts and you might actually over-apply it. You see it everywhere, you see it in everything. But eventually we fall back to our old habits and our old ways and that information simply gets stored. Stored to share, to tell, to talk about. But stored.

Then, after much time has passed, something will happen. You will be standing in the middle of a bunch of dots. Dots you know exist: information, experience, and observation. And suddenly all the dots combine, or connect, and you see the information you learned so long ago needs to be applied: now.

Yesterday I started out feeling good. I wasn't depressed but I wasn't euphoric either. I was good. When Captain came home to take youngest for an errand I was playful and joyful and we were all laughing. Somewhere between when they left and whey then returned I sunk into a pit so deep I wasn't sure I would be able to come out of it.

On the surface I couldn't tell what it was that was bothering me. I honestly didn't know. But after talking with Captain about it a little bit, and thinking about what happened during that time, I realized what might have caused the difference.

I have mentioned before that I think I am highly sensitive. I fit the bill and quizzes online, and Captain and I both have always said how we are susceptible to the emotions around us. I never really gave it a lot of consideration though. Not outside of tagging the label on my forehead.

During the time that Captain and youngest were gone I watched two hours of Criminal Intent. I love that show. I love the dramas which make me think and show how people's minds work. But they aren't light-hearted, are they? The two that I watched were relatively heavy, actually, filled with paranoia, depression, jealousy, and fear.

How is it I missed that these were the things I was filled with later? And the frustrating part is whatever sends me down that hole, I stay there with the things I say to myself. I shame myself for feeling off, blame myself because I don't have it bad, and then circle around a few times just to make sure I have guilt covering me from head to toe.

I'm not dismissing depression, or the seriousness of it. I'm not dismissing any of those feelings and their causes. But suddenly I realized that sometimes what I feel is due to what I have taken in, not due to something inside myself.

I don't know if I can explain how sane I felt in that moment. After years of not knowing why I was feeling a certain way, I realized that there may be an explanation after all.

So, now when I am starting to feel down I can check what I have been taken in, choose to take something else in, and see if it helps. I'm betting some days it will. And that... that lets me breathe a little easier.

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February 12, 2014

Perfection can't be redeemed

It's not that you should share your faults with everyone you cross paths with. I don't suggest you take out a billboard stating your failure last week. And I beg you to be careful who you share such items with, because if you share with the wrong person at the wrong time damage can be done.

Perfection leaves no room for redemption, and so when we pretend that everything is perfect we pretend we don't need to be redeemed. But redemption is as necessary for life as air is for breath.

We will all fall. We will all choose badly. We will fail and make a mess of things.

Pretending nothing happened in order to keep the facade of perfection in place is white washing the rotting wood underneath.

imperfect

I've done it. I have whitewashed with the best of them. I was a whitewashed tomb decaying and rotting from the things I and others had done. But it was hidden, behind a thin veneer, so that the pretense of perfection could be upheld.

Choices are made daily, and we all have to make the best ones we can. I choose not to pretend to be perfect anymore, even though I am careful who I share my scars and wounds with. I choose to be the imperfect mess I am, even though I stay silent about good and bad things in my life at times. I choose to be a little distant, because I am tired of sweeping things under the rug.

And I know when the line was drawn regarding who I could and could not share things with. And I remember when I sent some people to the moon, and others down the street. And my heart will not forget the boundaries set in place where no whitewashing will occur, but cleaning and redeeming is necessary.

Pretending things are perfect puts your heart in a dangerous situation. Will they accept me if they learn the truth? What will they think when I clean things up? How long will it take before they smell the stink of who I am rotting away inside? What am I willing to do to keep things looking as if they are perfect? And whose perfect am I striving for anyway? Who shall I please today?

Have you recognized those in your life who are safe, encouraging, and loving? Have you recognized those in your life who are not? Set up your boundaries and know while all can visit, none need stay unless you want. And your life? It is just as it should be in all the glorious imperfect mess it is.

Written from a prompt through Story101, which is currently accepting sign-ups for the next course.


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February 11, 2014

Moving forward into value

I have sold myself a variety of times through my life. The payment was always low though what I paid was high. The cost was who I was. What did I hope I would receive for each sell? Acceptance, inclusion, belonging. I never got what I wanted for long, and I always regretted the sale.

When you declare you are worth more, it causes problems.

valuable2

People are used to paying a small amount, or getting you for free. Raising prices causes confusion and frustration.

"It didn't cost this much last time."

As we realize our worth, we know what others do not. They have been taught (by us) that we are worth very little, and we will take what we can get. When we suddenly raise up and say the price is more than they can pay, they question, they doubt, they insist you go back to the way it was.

"We can't pay that price. We need things as they were."

I know. I'm sorry. But we can't go back. That was then and we are moving forward now. Moving forward into a new reality, a new price range, and new understanding. Moving forward into the full worth and value God has given me.

I'm actually no longer for sale. Though, tomorrow I may forget and put a sign out again. And I'm sorry if I do, because I will wake up again. I will recall everything that is true and you will blame me for false advertisement. I know.

But until I fully get it into my head, I will circle as often as I need to, with no regret each time I realize my full worth. I will fight this fight as often as I have to, even if you get tired or never understand.

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February 10, 2014

I'm smashing plates

You know the metaphor: life can become like a circus performer spinning plates. Well, my friends.. I'm smashing plates.

I can't do it all. I wish I could a thousand times. The things I want to do are all good, but I only have so much time in a day and I only have so much brain power to work with. And lately, things have not been getting done.

So, I'm streamlining, looking for where I am wasting time, releasing some ideas even though they are grand, and holding on to the priority which fits me the best.

Because that's the thing, isn't it? You would look at my to do list and number it in a completely different fashion than I will. So... what's important to me?

That's part of what I am working out, I think. Not that there is going to be this huge shift in my life, but at the same time, maybe there will be. I'm trying to take my time in making decisions. I know I have been here and done this before. Honestly, I think all lives go through this on a fairly regular basis, or they should. Did I just do this last month though? Or in December? Maybe this is simply an extension of that time.

What I know:
I want to keep my priorities my priorities.
I want to be intentional and purposeful.
I want to stop multi-tasking.
I want to remember that seasons come and go.
I want to grow and become more the person I should be.
I want to stop needless apologizing. 

Vague? I think rather specific. I think it's a good (re)starting place for me. I think these are specific core values to keep in mind as I work through things.

I simply need to find a day to stop everything else so I can work through it. Who volunteers to come clean my bathrooms? ;)

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February 7, 2014

Gospel for Asia helps fill the needs of those who are in desperate need.

This is one widow's story of her life and how Gospel for Asia is helping her.


If you are interested in helping her and other widow's like her, 
and children who have been abandoned 


I would love for you to join the conversation through 
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February 6, 2014

Covered, Smothered, and Scattered.

It's a snow day, so that should mean it's automatically good, right? But snow days don't affect the inside here so much. Things still move around like clockwork. I may not get to the grocery store today, but other than that little changes.

But this morning I woke up in a funk. So the beautiful falling snow is just something I need to clean off the driveway in a bit. And the cold is just something I'm going to have to deal with when I go out. And all the words I wanted to share with you have been buried deep where I can't seem to find them this morning. If you saw my instagram picture this morning, then you know I'm feeling a little covered, smothered, and scattered.

And I feel like a whiner whether I talk about what is going on in my heart or not.
And I feel like a failure because my life is good and funks should not happen.
And I feel weak because I shouldn't allow my thoughts to take control of me, I should take them captive.
And now I go back to failure because apparently my faith is small and weak.
And because I have told you all of this I am a whiner again.

It's easier some days for me to talk about "we" and "us" rather than "me" and "I" because it's general and not specific. It's not personal. It's not my heart.

This week in my class I'm supposed to write about things I love and hate. I wrote my partner in the class because I was having such difficulty with it. I censor myself like crazy. I don't say anything too strongly because I might offend someone. I leave things unsaid because I want to make the water smooth. I keep thoughts hidden and difficulties private because I don't want to rock the boat, or shake the bridge. But this morning the funk feels as if it all came to the surface.

All the words I should have said 
but didn't and now may never say 
have stuffed themselves 
into my brain and body and soul 
and are trying to make me implode.

And this morning I think about self-care, deep breathing, scripture, and my heart cries out. I don't know how to do it all, and today I was going to tell you how I'm not going to be doing it all anymore, but I find myself wondering how to do what is needed.

How do I protect myself from the funk? Is it even possible? I feel the desperation to make others understand and for all to approve, even while knowing that is never going to be fully possible. And so I wonder again... is the funk the result of the desperation I feel to please people? Even after all these years of working against that part of who I am? Is it still there?

Or is it just a bad day where I need to wrap up in a blanket, play with yarn, write some words, watch a movie, and read a book all while drinking coffee and watching the snow fall?

I don't have the answers.

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