You see, on Saturday I tested for second brown at KICS, and the week leading up to it my body stopped working properly. Without going into details no one really wants to read, and isn't the focus of this writing anyway, let me say from my brain to my toes I was not functioning smoothly in any way.
I was totally stressed over the test. I was panicked. I was worried. I struggled with what to say about Exodus 3-14, how to do the Japanese low sudo, and if I even had to do the jump side kick. Why this test freaked me out more than any of the others, I'm simply not sure. I get nervous when I test, and I'm used to that, but this was... more.
But here's the thing, I never had a moment of revelation. I had friends and family supporting me and encouraging me. I had instructors reminding me that I already knew the material and I was only there to show them what I already knew. I told others the same thing, because I knew they were right. But I never had a moment where I thought, "Okay. It's all going to be okay." Not until the test was nearly over.
I was a nervous, messed up a few times, slightly panicky, working hard to stay calm person. But I tested anyway.
Being brutally honest, sometimes when we go through things we are a mess. But we need to push through, and keep going anyway. We need to remember that what we know and what we feel aren't always the same thing. We need to keep our feelings from controlling us, while still acknowledging them. Peace doesn't always come first. Sometimes we push through the storm to get to peace on the other side.
So, I want to let you know that if you are struggling right now, it's okay. If you are a mess, I so understand. If you are a little panicked, worried, and stressed you are not the only one. But don't stop doing what you know you can or should do. Yes, sometimes we do things messy, but that doesn't mean we lose. We only lose when we keep those feelings from doing what we know we should do.
And, being brutally honest, I've been there before as well so I know that's when we lose.
Let's keep going and moving forward, friends. Even if it means we have to do so in the messiest craziest of ways.
Pictures thanks to CaptRon Photography