So, the words have been few here recently. I think it has a lot to do with deleting so many posts when I revamped the categories. I actually wanted to simply delete the entire blog, but I tried hard not to do that. The posts I did delete I realized were things that we now share on Facebook. Which made me stop and think... is Facebook now what blogs used to be?
I think maybe there is a big old yes as the answer to that question. But this leaves me with only more questions, like: should I still blog? would it be better just to share stuff at Facebook? what do I share here verses there? What happens when Facebook fades away? Where do my words fit anyway? Maybe... maybe just the journal.
And then I laugh, because I do this so often. I actually have deleted several blogs worth of posts in my past. *swish* Words gone to the neverlands of the internet only to be pulled back by occasional visits to the way back machine and really I don't do that a whole lot anymore.
I know why I do delete words though. I do. You see, those words that fill the posts here at this blog share a lot of heart felt thoughts, some things I really do want you to know, and some things I wish I could hide. These words are my heart in many instances, and that makes me vulnerable. When I first share them I feel brave and strong; after a bit of time I wonder what it was I was thinking. Why I thought it would be good to share some things, is beyond me. The goals which I dropped. The ideas I've quit. The words I have said. You see, I'm a talker. I talk big, but follow through can be a struggle. I state goals, and then question them. I make a decision, and then wonder if I was wrong. I mention my heart, and then feel stupid. And all of that is what these words hold for me some days. That's why I want to wipe them away and start over with a clean slate.
But what I am learning is the slate isn't ever really clean. What went before has made an impression, left a mark, created a scar, changed how things were and I can't pretend it all away.
What I can do is move forward from this moment, and friend that is hard. I all too often let what came before hold me back. How do I move forward anyway? I'm still learning the answer to that question, so I'm sorry if you were hoping I had it. I don't.
But each moment, every day, I am trying hard to do what it is I need to do, want to do, aspire to do. I am working to ignore the words in my brain which call me a big talker, quitter, and hypocrit and instead work towards who I want to be in all aspects. I can see some improvements, but it is a moment by moment struggle for me.
I think to what Paul said, "I don't do what I want to, but I do what I don't want to." Will it ever change? Will I ever be to the point where being who I am is being who I want to be? I don't know the answer to that either, because I'm certainly not there.
So, maybe moving forward is committing to the struggle I am in the middle of right now. Maybe it's not giving up despite the failures, despite the messes, despite what anyone else thinks. Maybe moving forward is being the best me in this messy moment anyway.
Does this answer the question to where should my words abide? Or which words should abide here? I'm not sure. I guess I will keep pushing through moving forward hoping to find the answer to that question through some trial and error, messy moments, and sweet spots.