I have an issue. Well, I have many. I don't normally like to admit they exist, much less talk about them, but lately I realize that this issue isn't affecting just me. It has the possibility of affecting those around me and our relationship. In a negative way. Possibility? Scratch that. It HAS affected those around me and our relationship.
Do you fight with pride? Oh, gosh, I do. I like to pretend I don't, but I do. And when my pride gets hurt I get angry. Anger is a secondary emotion; if you didn't know this trust me. It so is. When I got angry at the end of my race on Sunday I couldn't figure out why. WHY was I angry?? I shouldn't have been angry. I hate that I was angry. And I hate even more that I pushed that anger on my Captain.
This is what I have figured out.
I knew there was a chance I would struggle with my 10K, but I really didn't want to struggle. I wanted to run it like a champ and cross the finish line head high, cheering, and enjoying it. Instead I crossed it head down, near tears, and simply pushing one foot in front of the other to cross it running rather than walking. I have pictures to prove it. Sad sad pictures.
I had my own personal cheerleaders who ran the last bit with me. I had their love and acceptance even if I had begun walking. I had them next to me even when I pushed away a little. I don't deserve them. Captain is so patient with me.
But I wanted to be a champ when I crossed the line, and instead I turned into a chump because pride said I wasn't doing it good enough.
I had just run over 6 miles for the second time in my life, the first time doing so outside. That is huge for me, folks. HUGE. But I allowed pride to tell me I didn't do it right. And then I allowed the anger from that to be pushed against someone who was supporting me, cheering me, and loving me. And then later, when the pictures came out I could feel it all start again. I didn't see myself as I would have seen anyone else. I saw myself as a failure. I am so embarrassed by this.
I have an issue, friends. Pride is that issue. I want to do things great and I want to win and I want to do it with ease. And I want to look good doing it. And when I don't I allow pride to become an issue for me.
They say awareness is half the battle. I'm afraid this battle isn't half over though. I'm afraid it will be all too easy for pride to sneak in when I'm least expecting it; when I think I'm beating it. All I can do is one step at a time, just like at the race, but I believe this race may be longer than a simple 10K. Because this race is going to be more about my mind and heart, not my body. And sometimes those changes are the hardest to make.