Trying not to see through eyes of pride

I have an issue. Well, I have many. I don't normally like to admit they exist, much less talk about them, but lately I realize that this issue isn't affecting just me. It has the possibility of affecting those around me and our relationship. In a negative way. Possibility? Scratch that. It HAS affected those around me and our relationship.

Pride.

Do you fight with pride? Oh, gosh, I do. I like to pretend I don't, but I do. And when my pride gets hurt I get angry. Anger is a secondary emotion; if you didn't know this trust me. It so is. When I got angry at the end of my race on Sunday I couldn't figure out why. WHY was I angry?? I shouldn't have been angry. I hate that I was angry. And I hate even more that I pushed that anger on my Captain.

This is what I have figured out.

I knew there was a chance I would struggle with my 10K, but I really didn't want to struggle. I wanted to run it like a champ and cross the finish line head high, cheering, and enjoying it. Instead I crossed it head down, near tears, and simply pushing one foot in front of the other to cross it running rather than walking. I have pictures to prove it. Sad sad pictures.

I had my own personal cheerleaders who ran the last bit with me. I had their love and acceptance even if I had begun walking. I had them next to me even when I pushed away a little. I don't deserve them. Captain is so patient with me.

But I wanted to be a champ when I crossed the line, and instead I turned into a chump because pride said I wasn't doing it good enough.

I had just run over 6 miles for the second time in my life, the first time doing so outside. That is huge for me, folks. HUGE. But I allowed pride to tell me I didn't do it right. And then I allowed the anger from that to be pushed against someone who was supporting me, cheering me, and loving me. And then later, when the pictures came out I could feel it all start again. I didn't see myself as I would have seen anyone else. I saw myself as a failure. I am so embarrassed by this.

I have an issue, friends. Pride is that issue. I want to do things great and I want to win and I want to do it with ease. And I want to look good doing it. And when I don't I allow pride to become an issue for me.

They say awareness is half the battle. I'm afraid this battle isn't half over though. I'm afraid it will be all too easy for pride to sneak in when I'm least expecting it; when I think I'm beating it. All I can do is one step at a time, just like at the race, but I believe this race may be longer than a simple 10K. Because this race is going to be more about my mind and heart, not my body. And sometimes those changes are the hardest to make.

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Comments

  1. Proverbs 11:2 Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.
    Stacey, you may not be able to see it but God is certainly giving you wisdom through this.. He knows that we struggle and that is why he is there to show us when we need a little (or big) lesson. Praying that He would give you encouragement not only through His Word but also through those He places around you.
    I have been learning the pride lesson way to painfully. I am continuing to learn daily. You are already so much further in your battle than so many others because you know that God has your back :)

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    1. I do agree. I think when I am suddenly able to see something in my behavior that I hadn't seen before it is because God is giving me eyes to see. Whether I do anything at that point is my responsibility, of course. It's so hard, but I am grateful He will be with me through the learning and changing.

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  2. You are not the only one struggling with this. I have been dealing with this heart issue, too. Thanks for the honesty, and also, congratulations on the 10K! I just ran a 5K trail run a few weeks ago and was so happy just to get back into running regularly!

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    1. Thanks! I haven't run since the race and I need to again. I want to get that 10K down good. I have never done a trail run before. I would probably fall on my face! LOL But thanks so much for the support!

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  3. A SIMPLE 10 K?!!! Girl!!! No matter what, this is truly an accomplishment! So congrats on that.
    And thank you for always sharing so honestly. Yep, I struggle with this too. It can be so ugly, so hard to admit, but we don't have to let it define us, right? Acknowledging it and seeking transformation is always worth it.
    Love you!!!

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    1. LOL It's a simply 10K as to beating pride! Pride is the harder race. ;) And yes, we wont let it define us. Thank you Becky!

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  4. Oh, Stacey, I hear you. I struggle with this many times, too. I have to remember that I don't have to do things "right" the first time. When I write, I want it to be good the first time. I know this is unrealistic and sometimes many drafts are needed. I don't have to feel like a failure even if it takes many rewritings. Thanks for sharing. It is very brave. And I think awareness is a big part of the battle. We can't change anything if we aren't aware there is a need.

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    1. Yep, awareness is huge. I know in my head failure happens before success and that it's not BAD, but gosh it's hard not to want to do it perfectly straight out of the gate. LOL :)

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