May 15, 2014

The critic.

I have been SUPER critical lately. I haven't gone thirty minutes before something negative, sarcastic, or judgmental has come out of my mouth. Of course, it doesn't start at the mouth, and what is going on in the heart would be horrifying to hear.

It's simply... sad.

Go ahead and feel sorry for me, I understand. There have been times in my past I felt sorry for people who were where I have found myself. "Why can't they be happy? Why don't they look for the positive? Why can't they be more loving?"

Why?

I wasn't sure of that answer, to be quite honest, but my journaling this morning revealed an idea I hadn't considered before.

I have grown to the point where I seldom ask God for specific things. It's not that I doubt the "can" but I don't always expect the "will" to happen. In my brain I have come to the understanding that whatever happens happens, it will be all right in the end, and I trust that God can use whatever happens for my betterment, or the betterment of others.

However, in my journaling this morning I realized that while my head might have that, my heart doesn't so much. And because I "can't" yell at God, I turn the "I know better" spirit onto mankind. Those poor strangers who happen to cross my path in one form or fashion.

I wouldn't have worn that.
I would have responded better.
I would have loved differently.
I would have read that.
I wouldn't have read that.
I can't believe you thought that.
I can't believe you did that.
Are you really going to do that?
Are you really going to say that?
Who are you kidding?

No.... who am I kidding. *sigh*

I have had this misguided thought that I know best in all situations, but because I can't control God I think I can control other people. And the truth of the matter is I can't control myself. You see this critical spirit is not reserved only for others. I am the recipient of that spirit as well. Ironically, it is still heard when I'm yelling at myself about my critical spirit. Circle around much?

In Story Sessions today a simple question was asked. Part of my response was, "I quit being so dang critical." And you know, I think it's about time I truly did that.

I still have no control over what God will do; that hasn't changed. But being hateful towards others didn't change that either. It's time to breathe and let others breathe as well.

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