Nothing changes, but I can breathe.

I sat outside on the porch this morning after the sun had already lit up the sky. I sat with my coffee and two dogs running around greeting the day. I listened and felt and thought and wrote in my mind. It was vulnerable. It was scary. I need to keep a notebook with me when I do this, but I remember this mornings thoughts after rewalking the trail in my mind.

This is what I wanted to share, in a not so scary but rather a little guarded way.

We all have something that makes us feel weak. For me it is that need to belong. Just yesterday I redid my "about me" page here, and included this paragraph:

I have many friends but I never quite feel connected to any of them. In the past this has caused problems for me as I fought to be included in the in-group and popular. Now I know my place is on the edge of the group, and that's quite okay. When I get the feeling of needing to belong I remind myself of the hearts I do call home and consider myself grateful for each one of those.

I have cried out to God about this so many times. I have wished it away. I have tried to turn it into a positive, where it simply means "I'm not home yet." But I still continually come face to face with this issue. It has made me accept less than respectable behavior from others, it has made me neurotic, it has made me run away from others before they could run from me. And I pray and ask God to remove it from me so often before I remember to find the hearts I call home.

Then this morning as I was talking to God He brought Paul to mind. Paul who had a thorn in his side. Paul who had asked God to remove it three times. Paul who was told God's grace was sufficient for him.

Is it possible for me to allow God's grace to be enough for me when I hit these points?

I don't know what your weakness is, but I am finding these things have a tendency to {1} tear us up and {2} bring us to God. I guess we should then be thankful in that moment. Not that we feel isolated, or that the pain is so great, or that the struggle is so hard; but rather that we are again with God talking to Him, relying on His strength, and holding on tight.

Sometimes it takes me a few days to get to the point where I am willing to go to God. I'm hoping the more I go, then each subsequent time I feel like this I will go a little quicker to God. Because while the feelings may not simply vanish when I do, I am reminded that I am not fully alone and I can breathe again.

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