I cried two days ago. Saturday morning. I was watching Tarzan (the Disney version) with my nephew. I picked it out from the library, so, really, it's my own fault. I sat there with his little body next to mine as we watched Tarzan learn to communicate with Jane, and then decide to go off with her. And the stupid song played, and I thought, really? WHY did I do that to myself? You see, it was my oldest's 20th birthday. Not the first I haven't been able to spend with him, but I felt it more. And then when that stupid, yes stuuuupid, song played I broke.
I cried last night. We watched the Memorial Day Service at the Capitol. Captain loves watching those whenever they have them, and the stories are heartbreaking, make no mistake. But then one of the variety of winners from different reality singing contest television shows sang a song. The one from Titanic. Yes, that stupid song. And you know what, my oldest gave me a small music box which sits on my counter in front of the kitchen sink which plays that stupid song. I think he gave it to me as a joke. I'm not sure. But when they played THAT song during the performance I broke again. I could no longer keep the wall between myself and the show up. The book got put down, my hand covered my face, and I cried.
Some days are easier than others. Some days are harder than others. These two moments do not define the days in which they occurred. There was also fun park time with nephew, conversation with my sister, eating out with youngest and Captain, laughter, reading many words, drinking much coffee, and enjoying open windows. During the hard moments it's not easy to remember the time will pass. During the easy moments I don't want to remember the hard times will come. But life is a give and take. It's a mixture and a mess.
The plaque below sat in my maw maw's bathroom for the many years I remember visiting her. It sat with two others. All three now reside in my kitchen above a bookshelf. Maybe reading these over and over so many times helped set my heart regarding the future. Maybe it didn't. I have had fears that the sun wouldn't show again. I have lived in the mess so much I didn't realize I was covered in it. But eventually, each time, I got through and remembered the sun when it allowed it's rays to penetrate my clouds of pain.
This morning I heard the song I mentioned a while back which I couldn't remember. I can't remember it again right now, but let me tell you the thought behind the song is straight out of Job. We'll take the good with the bad.
On this day I have heard many say they would not give up the good even now knowing the bad they had to face. We don't always know what is around the bend, but take it from those who have been there: they say it's worth it. So, hold on. Enjoy the good, embrace the bad, and trust that in the end all shall be well.