I have spoken about this many times before. Sometimes different songs, sometimes new verses. Sometimes the words come from others and blend together to form something new which is simply renewed for me, and then I get to share it again. This morning was like that.
The music blared in my ears as my feet struck the ground. The words I read earlier circled my brain, and then targeted in for a final blow. It was a mixture of fear, inspiration, courage, and doubt.
Will I matter?
The jolt of these words broke my rhythm and my heart skipped a beat. I'm so tired of this question. I'm so tired of belittling myself. I'm exhausted of waiting for "someone else" to answer it. I'm so tired of the voice which answers this question with a loud resounding NO. The word reverberated inside my skull, my eyes closed, and my jog turned to a walk right before I decided, "Not today."
I could rattle off a list of things done this week, and never quite find an end to all that is found there or on the list of what I didn't do.
I could tell you how I pushed myself outside of my limits, though you might laugh that I had to push.
I could remind myself of the different ways my life has impacted others, though I would have to admit it is both in good and bad ways.
None of that matters,. Neither side of those sentences help me, and it is the second half which keeps the first half from being a sustainable answer.
If I equate my value with what I have done it will always always fail me. But, maybe simply by knowing that whatever the reason, whatever the purpose, whatever the work that has been set for me to do, whether it be big or small, seen by many or none, regardless of all of that, whether I do it or not... I breathe.
Feel the air fill up your lungs as your chest rises, and feel it leave your body as you exhale.
Open your eyes and look around and see what is around you.
Listen to the sounds which are within earshot.
Remember that you are a creation of God.
NO MATTER what YOU MATTER.
There is nothing that can take that away.
Despite what anyone may tell you, may think of you, or could promise you.
Despite what you have or have not done.
And so, I worked hard to push my feet towards a jog again. A little cry escaped my lungs as I picked up the pace, and I knew I wouldn't be able to run the rest of my distance, but I would run part of it. And then I would walk the dog so he could do his business. And then I would make my grocery list so I could feed my family. And I will read today, because I want to finish this book this week. And maybe I will watch a movie with my son, because we have the time to share.
And I will remember that I matter because I live and breathe.
Trying to answer that question any other way will always leave room for argument.
We matter. Period.