April 21, 2014

For this reason

I confessed it this morning, in a private group, away from public eyes. Why am I coming here now? Because I am still working through it, and this is a place I do that as well. Another friend shared this quote on Facebook today:

little things

I have waivered on and off this ideology so many times. My first and foremost priority, however, for the past near 14 years has been homeschooling and taking care of my children. The day to day duties. That comes to an end this summer. Know that, as Captain reminds me, we have raised them to get to this point. This was our goal, the reasons we made the decisions we did, and the end we were striving for. They are both at the point where we have either or are almost ready to release them to their own life.

Make no mistake, we will still encourage them, love them, support them, help them, share with them, and live life with them. We will always be a family. It will simply look different than it has up to this point. But it was for this reason that we have labored.

With that being said, I feel at a bit of a crossroads. That sounds better than "at a loss." I don't feel as if I am losing anything, but at the same time I have no idea what this next time period for me will look like. I have no idea what this season will require, expect, or bring. I feel blind. I am not mourning where I have been, but I am also not excited for where I am going. For the main reason being I have no idea where I am going.

So, I feel myself doing what I do best in times of stress. I either get clingy or grow aloof. Most times I do both. I will be aloof to those I don't know very well, and clingy to those closest to me. I try to keep things in balance and perspective, and I am learning how to let go and hold on all at the same time. Not that it's easy, but in order to put one foot in front of the next it's what I must do.

So, that quote. The ideology I step on and off again; I'm stepping back on. This time would be all too easy to grab another's dream, goal, or purpose and try to make it my own. I need to know the path God has laid out for ME. So I will do what is in front of me, continue moving forward albeit slowly, and wait for the path to be made clear. After all, I have a bit of time before I'm fully in this season, and God will prepare me for the next season in His timing. It's for this reason I am right here right now.

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2 comments:

  1. I can definitely understand this... We're not there yet, but I understand. I think that when my girls leave the nest, it's probably not going to be a pretty thing for me. To go from three to none in one year... I have been fully invested in this raising-children thing since I was 23 years old. I'm not sure I'll know what to do when we get to the "let them fly" part...

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    1. Well, what has helped me has been letting them fly more and more as time has gone on. I'm still considered a "hovering too strict parent" but I don't worry too much about that, apparently. I know where I have released, and it has helped. If I had to do it all in one fail strike I would probably die from heartbreak in that moment.

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