Have you ever noticed there is a time lapse between learning something and applying it? When you first gain new information it's at the forefront of your thoughts and you might actually over-apply it. You see it everywhere, you see it in everything. But eventually we fall back to our old habits and our old ways and that information simply gets stored. Stored to share, to tell, to talk about. But stored.
Then, after much time has passed, something will happen. You will be standing in the middle of a bunch of dots. Dots you know exist: information, experience, and observation. And suddenly all the dots combine, or connect, and you see the information you learned so long ago needs to be applied: now.
Yesterday I started out feeling good. I wasn't depressed but I wasn't euphoric either. I was good. When Captain came home to take youngest for an errand I was playful and joyful and we were all laughing. Somewhere between when they left and whey then returned I sunk into a pit so deep I wasn't sure I would be able to come out of it.
On the surface I couldn't tell what it was that was bothering me. I honestly didn't know. But after talking with Captain about it a little bit, and thinking about what happened during that time, I realized what might have caused the difference.
I have mentioned before that I think I am highly sensitive. I fit the bill and quizzes online, and Captain and I both have always said how we are susceptible to the emotions around us. I never really gave it a lot of consideration though. Not outside of tagging the label on my forehead.
During the time that Captain and youngest were gone I watched two hours of Criminal Intent. I love that show. I love the dramas which make me think and show how people's minds work. But they aren't light-hearted, are they? The two that I watched were relatively heavy, actually, filled with paranoia, depression, jealousy, and fear.
How is it I missed that these were the things I was filled with later? And the frustrating part is whatever sends me down that hole, I stay there with the things I say to myself. I shame myself for feeling off, blame myself because I don't have it bad, and then circle around a few times just to make sure I have guilt covering me from head to toe.
I'm not dismissing depression, or the seriousness of it. I'm not dismissing any of those feelings and their causes. But suddenly I realized that sometimes what I feel is due to what I have taken in, not due to something inside myself.
I don't know if I can explain how sane I felt in that moment. After years of not knowing why I was feeling a certain way, I realized that there may be an explanation after all.
So, now when I am starting to feel down I can check what I have been taken in, choose to take something else in, and see if it helps. I'm betting some days it will. And that... that lets me breathe a little easier.