Things we have been told: when you forgive someone you forget what they have done. If you truly forgave them everything would go back to the way it was. If you love them you need to let them back in your life. Forgiveness needs to be like God forgave us: total and complete. Tearing down the walls means you need to keep all the walls down for all the people.
Forgive me, but these are all rubbish. Forgiving deals with the past, protecting deals with the future.
We have talked about what to do when you get hurt, but I want to address what we do when that person who hurts you refuses to yield. What do you do when they totally justify their decisions, their actions, and the steps they take? What do you do when you explain the hurt, and pain and they simply do not care? What do you do with someone like that?
Remember when we spoke about responsibility? This is where you need to step up to the plate. You don’t do it in anger or hatred, but you need to do it. I have done this at least twice in my life, and I know that each time I did it from behind a wall in my heart. I didn’t do it well, but I knew I needed space. My heart broke each time because I truly desired a relationship with each person, but I knew in that instance that they cared more about their agenda than our relationship. And it hurt. So I walled up, said good-bye, and walked away. And it broke me.
Coming out from behind those walls and learning so much more through my studies I know now you can distance yourself from someone who is not safe, but leave room for the door to reopen if they change. I can’t control them, and I don’t want to. I want them to choose our relationship because that is what they want, not because they feel pressure to do so. I want our relationships to be free.
It’s hard and painful sometimes. I won’t lie to you. I have had people tell me I was wrong and I need to let things go. I have told myself just to move on. And in a way, honestly, I have. My heart has released the hate, anger, hurt, and bitterness that once existed there. Now I’m simply aware when I have any dealings with them. I am careful if they put their hand on the doorknob to open the door. I don’t lock it, nor do I slam it shut, I simply wait and see. And if the same thing that has always walked through the door walks through I simply close it again.
When I took my class through Brave Girls Club they spoke about keeping people on your virtual moon. Where you could see them, wave at them, love them, but you don’t expect more than they can give. I think of moon people as people who don't give grace to the relationship themselves. Relationships need grace covering from both directions; otherwise things are off balance and not working correctly, thus I need to keep distance between myself and that person. I have moon people and I love them dearly. For the sake of sanity, life, and love, and because I respect them enough to give them space to be themselves, I keep them at a distance. Maybe one day we wont be so far apart.
The list of all the posts for this series can be found in the Table of Contents.