A bit ago a friend asked me, "What if I wont be healed emotionally here on earth. Like some aren't healed physically?"
I had never thought of that question before. Ever. Is that weird? I thought it was. It seemed like such a right question. At the time I think I came up with an answer of some sort, but the question has sat with me. Because, you see, the truth is I'm not fully healed emotionally either.
Then I read this piece about living broken. I read it this morning about a half an hour ago. And the question and Mary's words started mixing and I had to start writing.
I write about protecting ourselves. I study the times God tells us not to be afraid. I encourage you to step out and do the things you feel God calling you to do. And yet, most days I am still a little scaredy cat.
When I spar I still turn my head fearful of being hit.
When I meet new people I am fearful they wont accept me.
When I write I am fearful I will say the wrong thing.
When I do something for others I am fearful they don't want me to do it.
When I go somewhere new I am fearful of the unknown.
I still have fear in my heart, and that fact sometimes makes me feel like a hypocrite. But then I realized something the other day which mixes in with all of this wonderfully.
You see, the only reason I feel hypocritical when I am weak is because I think it is me when I am strong. But it's not. God is growing me and helping me and strengthening me and sometimes I rely on Him and sometimes I feel the fear alone. I need to learn to lean in to Him more when I am feeling weak because that's the only place my strength comes from. That's the only place my bravery comes from. That's the only place my peace comes from.
We are broken, as Mary says. We wont be fully healed here on earth possibly, as my friend asks. But what I know is that we can still keep going despite, or because of, that. God is our strength. God is our bravery. God is our constant. We just have to remember to lean into him when we are living frightened. Because sometimes that's exactly how we live. But we keep living anyway, because we know that's what God wants us to do.
Only when our fears stop us do they win.