August 30, 2013

When you get stopped in the middle of the day by a tear.

I have been doing Kat's blog boot camp this week, and I am still needing to watch today's video and go through the homework. It has been good. It has made me think ahead. It has made me look to see where I really am and where I would like to go.

This morning I wrote out my to do list noting which ones were must do's and should do's. I didn't add any could's or don'ts. But things happen, for my day didn't turn out like I thought it would.

I ran errands, checked out parks, and made cup cakes after I picked up the liners.
But I didn't expect for the lone tear to run down my cheek as I read Ann Voskamp's post today. And for such a myriad of reasons. Not all pretty.

Oh, there's the missing of the man, let's face it he's a man, who is so far away.
Or the struggle with the man child who is still here.
I'm grateful for them both, and for the girl who grew into my heart not out of my body.
I'm thankful for the man who walks beside me through changes, and different seasons, and stays.
I'm grateful for the plans of this coming weekend and the next month.
But there's also the envy and frustration and weakness.
The questioning and comparing and doubting.
And those are just ugly but they are there too.

It is in these moments I wonder about everything. All the decisions I have made in this past week of boot camp, was it me just imagining? Did I really hear right? Why can't I be like Mary? Why can't I just trust and move forward? But I have these moments where I am weak and I think it wont make a difference and I realize that no matter what I think, plan, do, or decide I will always be "flying unfinished" as I attempt whatever is before me. I will never actually be *there*.

And if this was you saying it to me do you want to know what I would want to say?

it is okay  

So, now let's all get up from the little pep-talk and remember the day may not end as we planned it but it still ends as it should.

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