It was the second class, and nothing happened. This is important for you to understand. No one said anything to me, no one looked at me funny, no one did a thing against me. Did I start the class before I was emotionally ready? Possibly. But it was the second time I had shown up, I had just purchased my gis and I was trying to figure out where I should be during the class time. People are allowed to start at any time so there isn't always a beginner class. They work hard to fit us in, and teach us at our level. I had been working with the children, because there were no other white belt adults at that time, but that day they wanted the kids on their own. Please see that for any normal individual there is not a thing wrong with this. What would any other person have done? Gone over to the lower ranking adults and worked with them. Or at least asked someone where I should go.
But here's the thing. My heart was still hurt from not fitting in and being excluded. My mind told me I didn't fit in and I didn't belong. The crazy voices told me I was trying to do something that was beyond me. But I could not leave the building. My son was there for his class, so I had to stay. Instead of moving towards the group of adults I slowly went to the stands. Then I went to the upstairs track and walked. And cried. I tried not to, but I did. For the entire hour.
What was I crying about? Not taekwondo, because nothing happened there. But feelings from the past and heartbreak that wasn't healed that had nothing to do with stances, forms, or kicks. It simply overwhelmed me that day and I couldn't keep it in anymore. The imagined feeling of not fitting in brought back everything when I really didn't.
A friend talked to me at the end of class, and the next time taekwondo rolled around I showed up again in my gis ready to work. I would find out where I was to go and I was determined to not make a mess of me again.
Please know I did. You should have seen me learn how to spar! But that is another story for another time.
The point is, sometimes when we start new things old things can get in the way. Old heartbreaks and emotions show themselves when you are vulnerable in a new way. It's okay. The point is to not let it hold you down. Get up, and try again. I did, and now I am a blue belt. (Belt rank: white, gold, orange, green, blue, brown 1-4, black 1-10). The blue belt is where I get to start to learn to be an instructor, which also lends itself to teaching self-defense to people. But it only happened because I didn't let my emotional break down set me back.
Oh, and because I have an AMAZING taekwondo family who have pushed me, encouraged me, and supported me all the way!