I have always been sincere regarding wanting to live a life of gratitude. I have always grown frustrated when trying to make my list, trying to remember, trying to keep count. You see, I realized something within the past few weeks while my calendar sat quiet, even on the good days: it's not that I don't give enough attention to that for which I am grateful. Rather, I give too much attention to that which breaks my heart.
Pain is like the squeaky wheel, and we go through life trying to ignore it. But just like the squeaky wheel there comes a time where we just have to deal with it or explode. Too often we actually explode instead.
Monday I spoke about a physical pain I am having, but today I need to share about my heart.
McCall Erickson shared this on her facebook, as you can see, July 4th. You can also see my response to it as I shared it with my friends. Here's the thing, I KNOW if I move through the pain, fear, etc. that I will get through it. I also KNOW that if I ignore said pain, fear, etc. that it will stick with me. But I continually try to simply ignore it and hope it goes away. Unfortunately it doesn't. In fact, if I get quiet around here it's generally because I'm dealing with something and I don't want to get messy all over this space.
It's not that I don't want to live vulnerable or wholehearted, I think you know I do. But I don't want to say something out of anger, hurt, or fear that I would regret. I don't want to put something here that would possible cause hurt to someone else. I have done that before, don't get me wrong, but that's why I know I don't want to do it again.
Lately I have been mulling over some relationship issues which cause me great pain. My first reaction is to ignore it completely and pretend that it doesn't really bother me. After all, I am in the position of understanding that it doesn't matter to the other people, so why should I let it bother me? But here's the thing: it does. It so does.
After having to explain a certain relationship I began to wish I could make things better. I was wishing I could say the magic words and all would be well. But the problem is I don't live in Candy Land, nor Fairy World, and I am left with the reality of the relationship, which is as I explained it to the person I was talking. And it hurts. I don't fully understand why people make the choices they do sometimes. Sometimes I can come up with imaginings of why the choices are made, but there is no way for me to fix them. But I spend time considering, pondering, wishing, and wanting different when it simply wont ever happen that way.
Then after a few days have passed I finally break down, pull out my journal or get on my knees, and pour my heart out. I shed more tears, but healing rather than hurting. I take deep breathes which help me push through. I feel the pain, acknowledge it, and know that it is what it is, but I am what I am, and the two aren't the same.
Then, once I have embraced it, and dealt with it, I can release it and be able to get back to the gratitude.
You see, when I'm in the middle of ignoring what hurts it is ALL I CAN SEE. I want to see the birds, squirrels, and hear the laughter, but the pain is so loud and the hurt is all I feel. Until I can deal with it everything else is blocked out.
And so, I have realized that I have been giving too much time, attention, and myself to the things which bring me pain and hurt. So, it's time to deal with them, feel them, and then move on. It's not easy, but it is doable. And then I'll be able to focus on what I really want to focus on in this life.