You must forgive to have healthy and safe relationships.

So, what do you do when someone you allowed into your heart does something which decidedly hurts. You are left feeling confused, betrayed, hurt, and angry. What do you do then? Just put up a wall and keep them out? No. That isn't healthy. We all hurt one another, it happens. When we live open hearted and safely we don’t simply push people out of our lives.



The first thing that will happen, however, is boundaries will be adjusted. You will take a step back from them, because you need to figure out if they are still safe. Was this an accident? Is there miscommunication here? And I challenge you to give the benefit of the doubt to this person, especially if they were very close to you. Who were they before this incident? How does this incident line up with that? Take a step back and evaluate what is going on.
Next you are going to want to discuss the situation with the person. Hopefully there will be something that can be cleared up and straightened out and the boundaries can be set back where they were. But in order to do that you must forgive them and they must recognize what they did and be remorseful for it.



I remember when an action I took offended a group of people. I didn't mean for it to, but it was something I needed to do for my own heart. The problem was they were so hurt by what I did that I wasn't able to defend myself more than my original stance, and I'm not sure how that went over. They put up walls, and I know they felt justified in it. I put up walls and justified them as well. I wished we could have worked through the situation, but instead we all let the relationships fade, and that is something I certainly regret. We didn't make healthy choices in our attempt to live safely within our relationships.

That's half the problem, isn't it? You get hurt, and then they get hurt, and then everyone has walled up and gone silent. 



Sometimes when we get hurt the thing that is needed most is clarification, understanding, and forgiveness. Be sure to stop the cycle if possible. Don't put a wall up, but instead change the boundary until you know what is going on. Don't allow your hurt to control you.

Comments

  1. You know ... for the last year, seeing how broken my marriage was, I have clung to it as hard as I knew how. And continued to watch things fall apart. A couple of weeks ago I hit rock bottom and felt God tell me it was time to let go. I sat, with my husband and our pastor, and with tears pouring down my face, I told my husband that I didn't want a divorce but I was letting him go if that was what he wanted. I couldn't continue with lies and bitterness between us. I let go ... and he stopped pulling away! We have a long way to go but I can sense the beginning of healing!

    I chose to trust him this weekend and send him to Kansas with my blessing and my trust. He has called me every couple of hours and offered to let me talk to my in laws to confirm that he is really there. I didn't take him up on it but it did make me smile!

    Some times letting go doesn't mean it's over. It just means you're releasing control and letting God handle it!

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    1. Oh yes! So so true, my dear. Praying for y'all!

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