What I heard.

I hear her voice and the nails automatically slice into the back of my brain. It's a television show, but these people are real. And I have watched as she has shook her head, looked at the ground, thought it was impossible, made faces, held her head up high (too high?), and knew she could do it -- a bazillion times. A bazillion times!! As she starts the same old cycle I have watched her go through each episode I finally explode at the television and tell her to just. shut. up.

And then a wave crashes over me and words I have heard a multitude of times flow through my brain and bring me to a stand still.

"What you dislike the most about someone else, is what you are struggling with."

And the silence I hear as I ask the question is deafening. "Am I like her? Do I do this?"

hearing

No details were given, as I didn't want to hear. No, don't tell me it's so. Tell me I'm not like this girl on my television. Tell me I am better than her. Solid. Dependable. Sure.

But it seems, at least at times, I want it to be few and far between, but I am like this girl who gets on my nerves and pokes my eyeballs out and makes me want to scream. I am her.

And this saddens me, because I realize those around me have put up with me at times. This saddens me because there is no leadership there. This saddens me because I am caught in a cycle and I don't. even. know. it.

Sometimes you search for a goal and come up with something because it seems possible.
Sometimes a goal is handed to you with grace and mercy because it is needed.
Sometimes a goal slaps you in face when you realize it must happen.

I have an example of how I behave, and I know how I want to be, and silence will be what helps me cross from one to another, because I am still worried about what people think, I still want people to approve of my choices, and I still struggle with doing things simply because I should. But now I have a goal.

I listened. And I heard.

Comments

  1. It is an interesting facet about us humans, isn't it? I came to this hard truth when I realized the things I absolutely could not stand in my children were the things that just like me. It was very humbling. I am listening and hearing right there with you. ~Shannon

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    1. Oh I know that one! I have a tendency to blame their behavior on ME when I see that show up. :(

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  2. Yeah, I hate when that happens. Although sometimes what I struggle with in others on tv is their pure ungodliness and I know I do not possess that trait. I flipped off the tv the other night when a clip was being shown of a tv show hostess mocking someone of faith...I hate that some people are paid to spew their vitriol.

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    1. Television is certainly a mixed bag of beliefs and attitudes. I can't see us ever agreeing with everything that is said, but yes when someone seems to be simply hateful in their speech it seems odd that it's accepted by anyone.

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