The crowd around me.

I am so blessed. When I say this, I don't mean it lightly. I know sometimes it can come across as such a left-handed comment, and I don't want that to happen here. Let me see if I can explain, because what I want is the same thing for each of you.

Beginning about three years ago my faith life took some serious hits. To be honest, before that I simply sailed through, or at least that is how I remember things. I had good teachers who asked good questions, and one that even suffered me when I questioned who the 12 Judges truly were. But then the time to struggle came. (Remembering things as better than they were could be a blog post in itself, of course, but that can be later.) What I do know is that I hit a point where I had a lot of questions, doubted a lot of stuff, and things didn't click quite as well as they once had.    

I struggled for a while on my own trying to work things out, and make no mistake I was able to make sense of some things quite well. I also began to read more outside of my normal range. What I mean is I was reading authors who I didn't necessarily agree with, but who gave me a different take on things, a different perspective I hadn't considered, or an experience I had never gone through. These were great for me and really stretched me. I didn't simply fall in line, as I would have in the past, but I kept searching and studying trying to figure out where my faith was.

I've come a long way in these past three years, though I know I am still working out this faith of mine. The way I am blessed is through those people closest to me, whether they know it or not. They help me move through questions, find answers, or locate a resting place while I still don't understand. My small group on Sunday mornings is this way. Just this past Sunday as we finished up Amos I was asking questions about the sovereignty of God. You know what the best part was? No one looked at me with pity, or as if I was crazy, and unless they thought it in their brain no one questioned my salvation either. While I sat there listening to their answers, I was so grateful for the ability to be vulnerable enough to ask questions because they had made a safe place.

Ironically that morning I had come to the point where I realized that so much in life is never going to be understood by me, God's sovereignty being one of those things. I have come to accept that I don't know how he works, or why he works the way he does, and I'm getting to the point where I'm more okay with that. Who says God has to explain himself to me anyway, right? But I will be forever thankful and consider myself completely blessed that I have people I can ask these questions to, and not feel judged or belittled as I search for the answers.

I do hope you find a group who you can bounce ideas off of and ask questions without worry, because they have been such a huge part of some healing I have had to go through while I was asking these questions.


  1. So glad you have a group that can challenge you, give you freedom to question, and hopefully remind you of those "duh" truths we often forget. It's iron sharpening iron when we can grapple with common wonderings or have someone set us straight when we are just plain confused or even wrong.

    1. I'm glad I have this group around me right now as well. :)

  2. so a couple of thoughts about faith... the first being that i don't think God gets upset with us when we ask questions. for me, with anything I love (whether it be photography or gardening or whatever) i want to know as much as i possibly can about it. read, research, etc. and it's no different to me with God. i love him and i want to know everything i can about Him. but loving God and knowing God is obviously a little more complex than how to shoot in low light. ;) And i agree it would be so nice if I could understand why He does what He does.

    my mom has this saying, 'only those with true faith have the courage to doubt it.' and i know i have struggled with my doubts at times. but i think that this..."I have come to accept that I don't know how he works, or why he works the way he does, and I'm getting to the point where I'm more okay with that."...this is faith. acceptance without understanding.

    so glad you have found a safe place to ask questions. it is truly a blessing.

    1. Thanks Kelly. I like your mom's saying. :)


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