The scary part of being known.

I understand. I do. Even beginning this part was hard for me. Let’s be honest, because without honesty this is all a farce anyway. Sometimes we do NOT want to be known.

Psalm 139 23

The idea God knows all the horrible things I have done much less thought (or saw or heard!)… I would probably be okay if such wasn’t the case. I don’t want to face my own actions, much less be known in the middle of them. I am like King David who tries to hide his actions but only makes things worse.

I don’t want anyone to know the evil deeds I have done. I don’t want anyone to know the sleight of hand I have perfected. I want to be seen as this wonderful person who does good things and wears her halo just right. I want to always be seen as a woman after God’s own heart.

Here’s the thing: even those after God’s own heart mess up. Back to King David: he had an affair, tried to cover it up, and then killed the woman’s husband to take her as his own. He lived this way for quite a while, trying to look like the generous king. Can you imagine what some of the Israelites not in the know thought? Here’s our great King who so honors this woman who lost her own husband at war. Sure, there were rumors, and yes she was beautiful, but no our King is a man after God’s own heart. His motives are pure and honorable. Those people spreading the gossip are simply wrong on all counts. But God told Nathan, and Nathan addressed David. God knew.

What do you do with the fact that God knows? We run, we try to hide, we feel shame, we lead our life in guilt; so many choices. But here’s another secret: God knows our hearts even more than we do. Those secret parts you think are secret? He’s really there. Those attitudes and actions you try to stuff away so no one sees? He does. He also understands what has brought you to this point. He doesn’t agree with what we have done, but he understands.

So often, I have been scared of what people would think. I didn’t want to be the woman dragged from the adulterous bed into the throng of the market. I was scared of the stones people would pick up. Not scared enough to stop my actions, but scared someone would find out who I really was. You see, we may not stone one another with rocks anymore, but stoning happens all the same. Words get thrown, anger is hurled, and deeds are done which are meant to destroy, break, and kill. We humans have a great tendency to forget we, too, are sinners.

Like the woman from scripture, I fall at the feet of Jesus, waiting for the punishment and judgment which will surely follow. He knows, after all. He knew before these people dragged me to his feet. But as I slowly look up I see something in his eyes I do not expect. No condemnation is there, rather understanding and love. He sends me on my way to do better. He tells me to sin no more, and I have the confidence that if (when) I do sin He will still not condemn me. I leave knowing I have found a mighty Friend who knows me better than I know myself, and He will help me along my way.

So, what do you do with the fact that God knows? It can be scary to be known, but looking into His eyes only brings hope.

Comments

  1. I do the same thing you said you do. I keep my focus on Him and recognize the Enemy when he tries to get a foothold in my thought life through condemnation.

    The two Scriptures that came to mind when I read this were;

    PHP 3:13, 14 Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet, but one ting I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

    2 CO 2:14 But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of HIm in every place.

    <3

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  2. Thank you thank you thank you thank you for your transparency, your honesty, your courage and for being the realest you can be. Grace and peace! Healing is a beautiful wonderful thing.

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    1. You are kind sweetie. It's hard to find that fine line between transparency and tmi, but I'm trusting God as I share. Thanks!

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