I stand in the ring wondering how I am going to get through the next two minutes. My heart is beating so hard I can feel it in my head. I bought red because it is my “brave color.” It doesn’t seem to be infusing me with anything extra at this moment. I know the blocks and envision myself an amazing sparer, but reality is far from the truth. As the match begins I feel as if I’m imploding. The fists are flying and I am completely overwhelmed. I turn my back to my partner and cry out, “NO! Stop, please!” With my hands at my side I turn around. “I simply can’t do this,” escapes from my mouth as if it was the last breath I will take. Everyone on the side of the mat tells me otherwise, looking me in the eye from twenty feet away. If they believe I can do this, maybe I can. I want to. I so desperately want to. Picking my hands back up I face my spar partner, fight back the tears which threaten to fall in a horrible way, and block the best I can. I desperately need the time to be up. And finally, it is.
As I walk to the side of the mat everyone is encouraging, including my partner for the match. But I know. I know the fear and panic which coursed through my brain and heart in the first ten seconds. I know if the fear isn’t cut out of my thought process then I can’t think at all.
It doesn’t matter how recently we fought our last fear; we will face more in the future. This is my current struggle. It feels like Goliath every time I show up for class. I remind myself no one can keep me from doing something I really want to do, and I want to do this. I want to prove to myself I am capable. So, I keep going back watching the tournament grow closer wondering what will change things between now and then. I hope with every fiber of my being the steps I am taking will bring the magic. I’ll let you know how things go with the tournament at the end of the month.
What is something you are fighting right now? What grabs your heart with icy cold hands telling you lies which are hard not to believe? What do you tell yourself to move through the fear?